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It’s finally time.
You brought them into the world, took care of their every need, held them close, sheltered them, soaked in their giggles and calmed their tears and now the fateful day is here: the first day of school.
It’s time to put your baby into a teacher’s hands and watch them thrive.
If you and/or your little one are nervous to go your separate ways on that first day, have no fear. I was a preschool teacher that welcomed many nervous little loves to my classroom. Now I’m a mom of two kids that survived their first days of school, one with a little bit of nail biting, the other kicking and screaming (literally…he hung on the school fence screaming and crying for me every day for a month).
I’m here to hold your hand and help make drop off go as smoothly as possible.
Grownups Come Back
Object permanence is a hard concept to grasp for our littlest loves. The good side makes peekaboo a rip-roaring good time! The bad side leaves some babies inconsolable if their preferred parent isn’t in view or physically attached to them. For many babies, toddlers, and preschoolers, “out of sight” translates to “out of existence.”
Object permanence is the understanding that even when you can’t see something, it still exists. Teaching object permanence happens gradually and it’s something you can practice well before your child reaches school age.
Daniel Tiger (an adorable offshoot of Mister Roger’s Neighborhood) has an entire episode teaching the phrase “grownups come back” that I highly recommend. It was a frequent flier in our house when our kids were little, and it can be a bedrock for teaching kids object permanence with their safe adults.
Here’s my bottom line: don’t let the first day of school be the first time your child has been away from you.
Start small.
Step 1 Children learn through play and through play you can introduce the concept of object permanence.
Let’s walk through a hypothetical play scenario.
You and your child play with farm toys together. You pick up the cow toy and have it talk to the pig toy, “Moo hello! I’m going to get some grass on the other side of the hill, moo. I’ll be back soon!”
The cow toy walks out of view, and the pig toy begins to cry, “Oink oink boo hoo! I feel sad that my cow friend isn’t with me. But I know they said they will come back. I should find something to do while I wait for them. That will make the time pass quickly.”
Now the pig pretends to play and roll in the mud.
You bring the cow toy back into view and say, “Moo hello! I’m back! I said I would come back and I did! What did you do while I was gone?”
The pig can reply, “I missed you moo cow! I was sad when you left but I knew you would come back because you said you would! I had a good time while you were gone rolling in the mud and playing with my friends.”
This is just an example of how you can structure a play scenario to explore the concept of a grownup leaving and coming back. By playing it through with your child and allowing them to take part in the dialogue, you can potentially learn what they are concerned about and address those concerns through play.
Step 2 Leave your child in one room and tell them, “I am going to go get a snack. I will be back in one minute. Grownups come back!”
Step out of the room for as long or as little as you can, even if your child is emotional. When you return to them, give them a big hug. If they didn’t have an emotional reaction, when you walk back in say, “I’m back! Grownups come back.” If they cried you can give them a cuddle and say, “You felt sad when mommy was gone. It was probably scary to be all alone, but you were safe and look, mommy came back just like I said I would! Grownups come back.”
Gradually increase the time and distance from your child, making sure they are safe and monitored each time. This might look like leaving them with another parent at home while you run to the grocery store or leaving them with grandparents or a babysitter while parents go on a date night.
Each time, communicate with them that you will be back, that they are safe and loved while you’re gone, and reiterate when you return that you came back just like you said you would.
Before you know it, your child will understand that they can trust you when you say you’ll return and that even when you’re out of sight, they are loved and safe and will see you again.
Front Load
For a life with children, preparation is 90% of the job.
In my classroom, preparing my students and setting their expectations was the quickest way to a successful school day. In every single stage I’ve lived as a mom of two, setting my children’s expectations in advance increased the odds of a successful experience considerably.
Front loading is a fancy term for telling kids what they can expect and what you expect from them before they enter a situation.
You’ve probably been doing it for years! Front loading looks like taking your child’s hand before you enter a library and reminding them that you use whisper voices in a library because it is a quiet space.
Think of it like giving your child the tools they need to succeed in a situation.
Here are some things you can do to get your kids as many tools as possible for their first day of school:
-If your school offers a back-to-school night or teach meet and greet, go!
-If allowed, attend Open House the year before your child starts school and let them see inside their future classroom.
-Reach out to the school administration and see if you can get a copy of their classroom schedule so that you can communicate to your child what their day will look like.
-Serve them lunch the week before school in their lunch box and backpack so they can practice.
-If they need to be potty trained, practice dressing and undressing on their own so they don’t have any embarrassing bathroom moments.
-Practice introducing themselves to other children through play
-Create a morning schedule so that they know what is expected of them between waking up and leaving the house for school. You could give them a checklist of tasks to complete, set a visual timer so they know how long they have to get ready, and even do practice runs when there isn’t an actual deadline.
-Talk them through what the dropoff process will look like
-Tell them who will be picking them up from school and what that will look like
The more tools you can give them the better. Remember, even with all the tools in the world, they may still have big emotions about the new job they have and that’s okay! Remind them that they won’t be the only child that feels those feeling. It’s okay to be scared or feel sad. You still love them, they will still be safe and have fun at school, and you will be there to pick them up as soon as the day ends!
Let Go
I’m going to say this to you with all the love and compassion of a mom whose been there and the confidence and assurance of an educator whose been there. The best thing you can do for your child when that first day of school drop off comes around is let go.
First, I’ll talk to you as mom-me.
I know you because I was you. You want to hang back and peek through the window to make sure they’re okay. You want to keep an eye on them for as long as possible. The best thing you can do is let the teachers do what they’re good at and let your child start to adjust.
When my son first started Kindergarten, we were both incredibly nervous and emotional. The only time he’d been away from his safe adults before that was when they wheeled him into an operating room at the end of a three-year battle with a chronic illness.
On the first day of school, we walked him into his class and he seemed fine. When it was time to hug and leave, he held on tightly and cried. I wriggled myself out and dashed from the room. The second day was a little easier.
The next Monday was a nightmare. Parents weren’t allowed on campus anymore and I had to say goodbye to my baby at the gate and then let him walk across the whole campus to his line alone. He started walking through the gate with some of our friends and made it several yards in before his panic began. I was still standing at the gate they were locking when he turned back around and raced back, crying.
He proceeded to sob and scream for me, climbing on the fence and hanging on. I called the school office to tell them what was happening. Then I stood, crying in the front office watching as the paraeducator in my son’s class went out to find him and spent the next twenty minutes gently calming him down and coaxing him into class.
The next day he was so distraught that the principal pulled him into her office and played Noah’s Ark with him (not a Christian school, they were just that good at finding out his interest and leaning in) until he was calm enough to go to class.
For the next month and a half, I got to see the incredible love and compassion of teachers on display as they comforted him, soothed him, and made him feel so safe and seen that eventually he walked confidently and calmy by himself to class.
I’m not telling you this to scare you. Rather, the opposite. I lived through the worst case drop off scenario and to this day my son loves school, is excited to walk in each morning, and is absolutely thriving.
Now from teacher-me.
This is what we’re good at.
We care deeply for your child, and we want them to feel safe and loved in our classroom because a child that feels safe is a child that will learn and succeed.
In all my years of teaching, there was only ever one child that couldn’t be calmed and soothed into class. Only one time I had to call a parent back. 99.9% of the time, as soon as the parent was out of sight, my team and I could comfort a child, calm them down, and redirect them to the fun that was happening in our classroom.
As long as they can see you, they will want to be with you.
Once you’ve said a loving goodbye and you are out of sight, they shift their focus to their new environment and see just how fun their days are going to be!
Bottom line: you’ve got this.
When you teach them to trust you and expect your return, give them all the tools they need to be successful, and let them go, you will get the distinct privilege of seeing your little caterpillar turn into the most incredible butterfly you’ve ever seen.
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